could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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