My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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