it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
sarcasm needs its own font
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
