The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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