I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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