I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
