eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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