Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
