I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
