I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
