Can Purell be used as lube?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Pooping to opera.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
