You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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