I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
