After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Randomize
