Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
