I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
