Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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