my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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