Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
