don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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