once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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