I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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