Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
