Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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