Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
