if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
