she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
