If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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