Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
