make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
