Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
