Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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