I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
