Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she pinky promised me she was 18
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
