saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
