dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
