Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
