Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
