You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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