Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
