I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
