never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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