I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
