end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
