Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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