Non-Jews are for practice
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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