Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
