You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
