A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
