remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
And then the night went full on bisexual.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
