READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
