I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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