he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
