The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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