Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
