Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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