you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
